You With the Sad Eyes
by Manila Keranu
Summary: In their seventh year, Sirius finds out that Remus knows him better than he knows himself...


**You With the Sad Eyes**

James and Lily were giving each other those looks again. Any second now, they'd get up and announce they were going for a walk. A walk, yeah, right.

We were trying to do some studying in the Gryffindor common room and even James had been able to stay focused for a while, ignoring the chattering of a group of third years by the fire. At least, until Lily started edging closer and closer to him, with that little smile on her face. I tried to ignore them, feeling quite uncomfortable for some reason. Was it odd, that I still wasn't quite used to seeing James and Lily like this?

Finally, James slammed his book shut, and grabbed Lily's hand.

'Sirius, we're going for a walk, do you mind studying alone for a while?' he said. I shrugged, pretending I didn't care.

'Sure. I can probably concentrate better when you two aren't so obviously in love right in front of me,' I said, and was surprised at the bitter tone myself. James didn't notice, though, but Lily shot me a questioning look. I stared back, blankly, until she shrugged and let herself be tugged out of the common room.

I slumped back in my chair, eyeing the book in front of me. Contrary to what I had said, I couldn't find the will to concentrate on studying anymore, and sat toying with my quill, not really coherently thinking about anything, until the third years got up and left the room. On an impulse, I walked over to the window, just in time to see James and Lily disappear around the corner of Gryffindor Tower, down below in the grounds. I rested my head against the glass, trying to ignore the strange feeling of… what? Jealousy? But why would I be jealous of James finally having found a girlfriend who not only put up with his behaviour, but actually was managing to change him for the better a little?

'Hurts, doesn't it?' a voice cut through my thoughts, and I looked up. To my surprise, Remus was standing by my left shoulder. I hadn't heard him approach. More than that, I hadn't even heard him enter the room at all.

'What?' I said intelligently.

'To see the one person you love, and know that he hasn't got a fucking clue,' Remus explained. He wasn't looking at me, but rather at something outside. I wondered what; with James and Lily out of sight there were no people, and the clouds really weren't that interesting.

But those pointless thoughts dissipated soon enough when the full force of Remus' words hit home.

'What?' I said once again. Surely Remus didn't mean… oh gods, but he did, didn't he? There was no way that 'he' had been a 'she', and that Remus could be so mistaken as to assume I had such feelings for Lily. But the alternative…

He looked at me, now, his eyes sad and deep, and filled with an emotion I couldn't decipher.

'You didn't even know it yourself, did you…' he said.

'Know what?' I said, telling myself that I probably _had_ heard it wrong. In other words, in quite a state of denial. He chuckled softly.

'Sweet innocent Sirius,' he said. 'Doesn't even realise he's hopelessly in love with his best friend.' I turned back to the window. Now it was my turn to studiously observe the clouds.

'I'm not,' I said softly.

'Oh but you are,' he said. 'I know what it's like. You want to be with him constantly, and if anyone even so much as looks at him, you get jealous, and you simply can't stand it if he's with someone else. And you know he doesn't know how you feel, but you have no idea how to make him see without scaring him off, and you certainly don't want _that_, and so you suffer in silence, and see him give his heart to someone else, and that hurts so much you can't _begin_ to think how to cope with the pain.'

I closed my eyes, sure my world was going down in hurricanes and floods of mythological proportions. How did he describe everything I felt so accurately? How did he know?

'How do you…' my voice cut itself off halfway through the sentence, but Remus got my meaning anyway.

'You could say I speak from experience,' he said, and I looked at him in surprise.

'You too?' I said, dumbfounded. He stared at me in bewilderment for a moment, then groaned and shook his head.

'Not James, silly,' he said. 'Someone… else.'

'Who?' I asked, my own feelings suddenly and momentarily forgotten. 'Do I know him?' He averted his face, and his voice sounded strained as he said,

'I'm beginning to think you don't,' but it didn't seem as if that was meant for my ears. 'No,' he added, louder. 'No, you don't know him, and I don't want to talk about it, alright?'

'If you tell me who he is, I might help,' I said. 'I'm your friend, I might help him see.'

'No, you won't, and will you just leave me alone already?' he snapped, and I froze, not used to this kind of violent outburst from him. He glared at me angrily, so much different than only seconds ago that I barely even recognised him.

'I'm going out,' he grunted. 'It's a full moon. If you're bored you'll have to seek out Peter, because I don't think either James or me is going to come up tonight.' And with those words he stalked off, leaving me stunned and shaking in the Gryffindor common room.

I sat silently in a chair until a group of first years chattered their way in, and fled to our dorm at their arrival. I had been too afraid to think about the revelations of this afternoon, but once inside the dorm, with everything I associated with James and Remus around me, my defences crumbled. I sank down on my bed and buried my face in my hands.

_Was_ I in love with James? Did I want him to be mine, as Remus had described? Was I jealous of Lily, for having conquered his heart? Did I want to… I hesitated, but had to admit to myself that that _was_ part of loving someone, wanting someone… want to kiss him? Like I had seen Lily do so many times now?

Merlin, yes! I wanted… I wanted to know what James felt like, what he tasted like, what it would be like if he was mine, forever.

I got up and paced around the room. This was insane. How'd I end up in love with James? When had that happened? And how could I have completely missed it? Was I so blind, that Remus had seen how I felt, while I didn't? It takes one to know one, I guessed, and of course Remus had never made a secret of his being gay. But still…

Now that I thought back to that strange conversation, I felt that something had been very wrong. Odd. Hidden. Secret. There was something Remus wasn't telling me. Of course, he'd refused to tell me who the object of his feelings was, but it seemed to go deeper than that. And I, prick that I was, had tried to bully him into revealing a name. Had not taken him seriously, had not taken seriously his warnings that his love had no clue whatsoever and that he was afraid for him to find out anyway.

I needed to talk to him. I needed to apologise, and, almost as important, I needed someone to talk to about… about being in love with James. My best friend. A boy, like me. Who, on top of everything else, had a girlfriend. I groaned. I was in such deep shit!

As the day slowly progressed into the night, I heard the bustle of students heading off to their dorms, and gradually Gryffindor Tower grew more and more silent. Peter came in soon after. I ignored him, having gone to bed fully clothed myself long before, and waited until he was fast asleep.

James, as Remus had predicted, never showed up. I tried not to think about that too much, because it would mean thinking about what he was doing right now, with Lily… I groaned and pulled the covers over my head, trying my best not to exist.

When I could be sure Peter wouldn't hear me get up, I reluctantly snuck out of bed and quietly rummaged through James' stuff, looking for the invisibility cloak. For a second I was afraid he'd taken it with him, but I was lucky; it was right where it should be. I wrapped it around me, and snuck out of the dorm, down the stairs and through the common room. Getting past the Fat Lady was as usual no problem, and I quietly stalked down the corridors on my way to the entrance of the tunnel to the Shrieking Shack. Everything was quiet and empty; I didn't even run into any of the ghosts.

The tunnel was damp and dark, as usual, but with a quick spell there was light streaming off the end of my wand, and I could see where I was going.

I knew the way like the back of my hand, and in no time I found myself at the Shrieking Shack. As always, it groaned even in the slightest breeze, but otherwise it was silent and empty. There was no sign of Remus. I made my way to a window and stared outside. He'd be out there somewhere, and tracking him would've been impossible if I hadn't been an Animagus. It took seconds to assume the shape of a black dog. I hadn't expected it when James had first suggested his plan, but I had grown quite fond of being a dog. It was freeing, somehow, and for some reason I sometimes felt more myself when I was in my other shape, than when I was human. Unfortunately, I knew that for Remus, the transformation was much less pleasant, especially considering the brutal nature of the beast that lurked within him, even with the Wolfsbane potion.

I shook my head to get rid of those thoughts when the canine instincts that came with the body kicked in and dismissed any need for useless reminiscing. I sniffed the air for Remus' scent, and there it was, fading but clear and unmistakable. Almost as softly and agile as a real wolf, I crept out of the Shrieking Shack and started to follow the trail.

Remus had covered a lot of ground before I had started to follow him, but I felt I was catching up to him anyway. At the exact instant I realised that, I also realised that he had sensed I was following him, and was trying to get away from me. His scent reeked of anger and reluctance, and a little bit of something my canine nose was rather unfamiliar with. Some human emotion that dogs and wolves were much too smart for to be bothered by? I didn't know, and dismissing it altogether, I set in my pursuit. Part of me wondered if this really was such a good idea, but damn it, I needed to talk to him, if only to apologise. And I was confused, and he was my friend, and I was sure we could help each other. I was going to find him, and we were going to talk.

I think it took at least an hour, though. The full moon had crossed a good deal of the sky before I sensed I was getting really close. A few minutes after that, it seemed that Remus had given up entirely, had slowed down purposefully. His tracks became fresher and fresher, until I reached a clearing in the thick woods surrounding Hogwarts, and saw Remus' silhouette, sitting just out of reach of the moonlight. He looked human, and for a moment I was surprised that he'd been able to shrug off the wolf shape so easily, but when I came closer, I saw that that wasn't entirely correct. His shape was human, yes, but there was quite a bit of the wolf still very visible. It didn't matter. He'd always be Remus, no matter what shape he was in. I knew that by now.

Letting go of the dog and becoming my own human self again, I walked up to him and joined him to the tree trunk he sat on. His shoulders were hunched and he looked at the grass, fresh and dewy with early spring. It wasn't exactly warm, but it wasn't exactly freezing, either. At the very worst, we might get a cold out of this.

Looking at Remus' still shape, I took a breath and decided to be the first to break the silence.

'I'm sorry,' I said. 'I didn't mean to upset you. I… wasn't thinking. I was…'

'You were confused, I know,' Remus whispered. 'It took me a long time to stop being confused, too. It's okay.'

'Is it?' No reply, and I had run out of things I could think of to say. Or rather, there were things I wanted to say, I just didn't know how.

'So, I guess you're coming for a bit of advice from the expert?' he said, ignoring my last question.

'No… yes… I mean…' How intelligent of me, to stammer and stutter like a kid who's just had his first wet dream. Although the feeling _was_ rather similar. 'I think you were right about… about James. And… I'm scared, Remus.' That was slightly better, but still he didn't move. I really wished he'd look at me.

'Of course you are,' he said. 'I just shattered your world into tiny pieces, didn't I?'

'More or less, yes,' I said slowly. 'And I think I need a little help putting it back together. And Remus…' Now he did look at me, the wolf very visible in his eyes, his features. And, somehow for the first time, I noticed how there always was something of the wolf in his face, if only you knew where to look, or what to look for. I knew quite a few people who would have run away screaming at seeing him like this, and perhaps I would have done so, too, a few years ago.

'Yes?' he said, and I remembered I had been about to say something.

'I didn't mean to hurt you back there, but I did mean that I want to help you. It's no use if we're both pining after someone we can't have – be that because he's already taken, or because we're afraid.' He breathed in sharply at that, and turned away again, but not before I had seen a very strange look in his eyes. Part of the dog still lingered in me, and there was that scent again, but this time it was accompanied by something dogs are very good at detecting. My human mind, though, refused to linger on it, but it did register that Remus' feelings must be very strong indeed.

'I'm sorry,' I said again. 'I didn't mean to… I just want to help…'

'Don't,' he whispered. 'Please don't… You're just… making it harder…' He took a few deep breaths and clasped his hands together between his legs, for warmth, or some kind of support. 'You've no idea how ironic what you just said was.'

'Merlin, Remus, who _is_ this guy, that he has you such a shivering wreck!' I blurted out, unable to stand it any more. 'I'd hunt him down for you, grab him by the collar and order him to ask you out, because if he doesn't, I'll personally kill him for making you so miserable!' I hadn't expected to feel so… protective of him, but seeing him like this was… well, the phrase 'breaking my heart' came close, but that came a bit too close to that other subject I was hoping, and dreading, to discuss with him.

He surprised me by laughing, harsh and hysterically, his shoulders shaking. It didn't sound like he was very amused, though. Pained, if anything.

'What?' I said, now even more confused than ever. 'What's so funny?' Remus gasped for breath a few times, and then shot me a harsh, humourless look.

'That would be quite something,' he said. 'You killing my… my love interest.' The laughter was gone, but the pain still was there, and something like anger, coiling just beneath the surface. I could see it all in his eyes, but it didn't make any of this any clearer to me.

'What? Why?' I said. 'Why is that so…' I never got to finish that sentence, and in fact his next outburst eradicated just about everything else I'd been wanting to say from my mind.

'Because it's you, you… you big, blind idiot!' he shouted at me, his fists balled up, and a strange mix of defiance and relief in his eyes.

I stared at him, forgetting how to breathe, mind gone numb. He turned away abruptly, wrapped his arms around himself, shivering.

For the second time that night, Remus had turned my world upside down. Vaguely I wondered if that meant that my world should be the right way up again, now, but that thought was replaced by the realisations of all the implications of Remus' outburst. At that moment, looking back on nearly seven years of friendship, it explained a lot of things that I hadn't even considered strange until this very moment.

'How… when…' I stammered, directly aware that Remus might not want to talk about it, but unable to un-speak those words.

To my surprise, he answered.

'Since third of fourth year,' he said softly, his voice shaking. 'I'm not sure.' He looked at me from under his wild, brown hair. 'I actually had a crush on James before – but then again, who hasn't had a crush on James?' Including me, a lot of people James knew, and quite a few people he didn't.

'It wasn't really serious, though,' Remus continued, now looking away from me again, and I got the feeling he had even forgotten I was there. 'It was just a little crush, something to prepare me for what would come-' He paused suddenly, shaking his head violently. 'I don't even know why I'm telling you this.'

'I think…' I said, knowing it was true, and not at all sure about what that meant, 'I think I need to hear it.' He just nodded his consent, not even questioning my reasons.

'Somewhere in third year I realised my crush on James,' he started. 'And that of course made me realise that it wasn't exactly girls I was interested it. I tried to be, a couple of times, because – you know, girls can be pretty. But it wasn't… Anyway, it make me look at all of you with different eyes. Suddenly you weren't just friends, or fellow classmates, but… but potential boyfriends. That was when I first noticed the way you look at James.'

'It takes one to know one,' I voiced my earlier thoughts. He chuckled and nodded, but it didn't really sound amused. Of course, we were both walking a very tight rope here.

'You were so oblivious about it,' he continued with a little smile, 'it was almost sweet. It didn't take me long to realise that you thought it was just loyalty, very strong friendship. James did, too, and, well, I think he liked having such a devoted friend as you. He likes attention.'

'He sure does,' I murmured, but he ignored me and maybe didn't even hear me.

'I started to explore, seeking out people like me, getting my first kiss – well normal teen stuff, only not with girls. I had eliminated you and James from my list of potentials, because, well, James is about as straight as the tables in the Great Hall, and you were utterly devoted to him, even if you didn't realise it. I don't know why I fell in love with you anyway, I,' he took a deep breath, but even after that his voice sounded clenched, 'I just did. And only realised it when it was too late. I tried to get over it, and you know all about the boyfriends I've had since then. I liked most of them, really liked maybe one or two, but…' He swallowed heavily, then snorted. 'Well, you know the rest.'

We sat in silence for a while, Remus lost in his own thoughts, and I trying to think of things to say, trying to fit all the new information into my head and its proper place in my world. Needless to say, both had become very full all of a sudden.

'I think…' I said at last, 'I think I need to think about this for a while. I need to… figure out…' I halted, my mouth trying to form words my mind wasn't supplying.

'I know,' Remus said. 'I don't expect you to, you know…'

'Jump at the opportunity and into you arms?' I said and immediately sorry for it. He flinched and turned away again. I wanted to touch his shoulder and apologise, but, suddenly realising touch was a dangerous thing right now, settled for an apology only.

'I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that,' I said. 'Or not like that, anyway.' He didn't respond, but the muscles on his back seemed to writhe as he shifted. 'I'll… I'll go back now,' I added. 'It, it might be best if we… you know… avoid each other for a while?' He nodded silently, and this time I was positive I could see his ears move. Time to get out of here.

I changed back into the dog and ran all the way back to the castle. About halfway through, I heard a wolf's lonely cry reach out to the moon, and, on an impulse, I added my own cry to it. The other voice abruptly broke off, but I had heard, recognised, and knew. There would be two sleepless minds around Hogwarts tonight. And many more nights after that, most likely.


End file.
